Trying to Keep It Together, but Inside I'm Falling Apart

It has definitely been a long eight months... maybe even longer. 2015 was a tough year for me and for him. There are so many things that have happened since the beginning of the year that it seems so hard to move forward. To forgive what we can't forget. I'm so frustrated with myself. Learn to talk, Kristina. Just open your mouth and speak. It's not easy for me. What I have learned growing up is that the more you say, the more things can be taken the wrong way or that things come out that shouldn't... What am I so afraid of? I wish I was a great conversationalist. I really do. I don't want to be just a wall that no one can talk to. Sometimes I think my brain didn't develop completely because of how stumped, anxious, and shy I get when I have to talk. Why can't I just be someone who isn't afraid? I am so afraid of many things. I know I've already disappointed the person I love. And that's been hard to deal with. The fact that I've caused him pain... that we've caused each other pain. There are things we can't go back and change. We can't have a do over. It's not how it goes... I just get so sad... so depressed... and our situation makes me feel so helpless, useless, and unwanted. We have some happy moments, but it lacks consistency. We can be happy one day and fall apart the next. It has been so mentally and emotionally exhausting. I want him to be happy... I also want to be happy. I deserve to be happy too right? I can't undo what I've done, so I know that punishing myself everyday doesn't help me or anyone else. I need to move forward. Can we move forward? At this point it just seems so difficult. It seems like there's no going back, no matter how much I want us to work. To be in love again. To be happy with each other again. To be there for each other. But if worse comes to worse, and we have to end things to be happy, I know it'll be for the best. I know I'll be devastated for a long time, but it doesn't have to mean that I'll never be happy again. People start over all the time. Of course it isn't always easy to start over, but I know it can happen. These obstacles in life make you stronger and I know I can be a strong person. I'm emotional and let feelings get the best of me, but I can be strong. I am strong. I will be strong.